those jeans

I have a pair of "those jeans." You know the ones. The ones you bought awhile back during your last weight loss venture. The ones you squeeeeezed into and were terrified to wear out of the dryer because you didn't want to look like sausage meat shoved into pigskin walking down the street. I have a pair of those. I put them on today. Out of the dryer. They're baggy. Praise Jesus. Only 58 more pounds to go...

I've learned something about myself

I've learned that I can't have "cheat days." Because "cheat days" turn into "cheat weeks." I was doing so well for all of May and had cut out almost all sugar, white bread, white flour, white pasta, etc. Then my birthday hit. And I went a little crazy. And I don't mind the fact that I gave in on my birthday. You only get one a year. But I do mind what I allowed myself to give into the following days because I chose not to control the "spikes" and "crashes" I'd worked so hard to get rid of in the first place. Praise Jesus that I haven't gained back too much weight (like three or four pounds, but that is still HUGE to me). So, I'm getting back on the bike, starting again. I have a new goal and that is to be under 200 pounds by October. I only have 34 pounds to go to reach it and I'm giving myself just over three months to do it, but it'll be the healthy way, that way it won't come back.
I'm going to be moving in a couple of weeks and I'll be losing access to the apartment complex gym, but Elsie and her husband are going to keep an eye out for specials at the LA fitness near work (he works there) so I can get in on a "no enrollment" special. Since it's on my way to work, I'll have absolutely no excuse not to go. Plus Elsie goes a lot so I'll have accountability in that respect. She also has Squaw Peak in her backyard so hiking will be a breeze.
I'm really excited about this move and the positive changes it's going to bring into my life. It's closer to my friends, my work, the mountains and it's going to save me a decent amount of money on gas and utilities! Yaaay!

how YOU doin'?

How are you guys doing? I'm sticking to the plan and doing excellent so far! I'm down ten pounds from where I was the last time I blogged and I'm feeling GREAT! My skin has cleared up and I don't have NEARLY the spikes and crashes I was having before. I'm totally motivated and even looking at sugar now (in the form of cakes and regular pasta and white bread and soda) almost repulses me, but in a good way. I see a bellyache when I look at them so I just stay away. If I want something sweet, I'll get some fruit or make some tea with agave nectar. Woo hoo! I'm still not working out as I should *slaps self on hand* but I PROMISE I will do better this week. I WILL go the gym at least three times. Today (as long as I don't get called into work... i'm the "on call" this morning), Friday before work and Monday morning FOR SURE. I'll try to get there other times too, but now that I have a plan, I'll be sure to make it happen. :D
KEEP IT UP! WE CAN DO THIS!

May goals

So, I gave my current weight, measurements, goals and plan to Rhiannon. Without all the specifics, here's my plan:

Goal: Lose ten pounds and a half an inch of my chest, waist, hips and thighs (each)

Plan: Walk 30 minutes every day with Roxy (15 in am, 15 in pm)
Eliminate white flour, sugar and pasta and replace with whole grains (I've been doing this anyway so by the end of the month, I should be good)
Strength training minimum 3X per week

I know ten pounds sounds like a lofty goal, but I should be able to do that by just replacing Diet Dr. Pepper with water. If it was Elsie saying she'd lose ten pounds, I'd be skeptical because she's already pretty small, but when you're talking about a fabulous fluffy girl, it's a little bit easier. Plus, I have to set my goal a little bit higher otherwise I'd just starve myself the last week instead of working on it gradually throughout the whole month and get back in the habit of making new habits.

I need to get back to working out. I'm going to be moving next month and I need to build up some strength for all that lifting and going up and down the stairs because I don't want to throw my back out or hurt myself, you know?

a greeeeaaaaat website

So, my friend Elsie introduced me a website called www.fitday.com. It helps keep track of your calories and activity and stuff. I had NO IDEA how quickly they can rack up! I highly recommend checking it out!
How did I come upon this website? My friend Elsie recommended it. She is a great friend at work and she, Anna-Kay and Rhiannon and I are trying a new accountability adventure this month. We're writing down our current goals for the month and giving them to Rhiannon. On my birthday at the end of the month Rhiannon is going to bring our envelopes and if we hit our goals, awesome. If we don't, then we have to buy a dessert for the other girls and we don't get to have any of it. I know it's kind of weird, but we all agree on it and it'll be good motivation. It's just what I need to get back on track.
We're writing down our measurements and current weight and our goal for the month. We also have to write out exactly how we plan to achieve our goals. Once I have it all figured out, I'll let you know. :P

round two

So, as you've read, I haven't been doing as well as I'd originally hoped on this adventure. I've gotten side-tracked, given into temptation both to food and to laziness and now have nothing to show for it. Well, fortunately for me, today is a new day. Right now I don't feel good. And I know it's because I haven't been eating well or taking care of my body. It's time to get back on track. I don't want to end up on Dr. G, Medical Examiner's table because of a heart attack, stroke, blood clot or aneurysm because I didn't do something about my health before it was too late. So, I'm on my way to the grocery store to buy some fresh produce and naturally cleanse my system for the next couple of days. I need to get rid of all the junk which will hopefully get rid of some of the cravings which will hopefully get rid of some of the spikes and crashes which will hopefully give me more energy and motivation to work out... or at least take longer walks with Roxy. I need to take care of me as well as I try to take care of her. If I can get her weight down with regular meals and exercise, I can do the same thing for me. Wish me luck. I hope you're doing as well as I'm not! Haha.

Every little thing is going to be alright!

Ohhh sweetie-kins. I'm so sorry you are having a tough time. Trust me girlfriend, I didn't get to being over 150lbs overweight overnight! It took a long time (a couple years) to get to where we are and its going to take a couple years to change our lives and get those bad habits into good habits. I feel like an addict sometimes when I'm sitting there at home and I know there is a kitchen full of food waiting to be eaten by me! And it itches at me and bugs me until I can just get something that satisfies me. If I'm stressed out, I don't want to walk, I don't want to breathe heavy.. I want to drown my sorrows and stress and eat. Eat and eat until the pain goes away...of course until there is a new pain of feeling full and bloated.

Girlfriend, I love you so much and I'm sorry you are having a tough time. It's going to be ok. You had a great meal the other night and went to the farmers market. You DIDNT drown your sorrows like you normally would have..like me...in the taco bell drive thru...(which one was built right near my house, curse you taco bell!!)

We will all plateau, we will have awesome days and weeks and then we will have crappy ones. You are not alone in this and you know I am there for you. I'm burned out on water right now. I try to drink at least 64 oz a day and I can hardly stand the taste of it. I have been using crystal light and trying new flavors to try and shake things up a bit.

I love you * I love you * I love you!
Hang in there sweet cheeks I believe in you and I love your curves! Ow baby!! xoxoxo (I pray I don't blow it on easter..we have carrot cake and cheese cake!! HOLD ME BACK!!)
xoxoxo aimee xoxoxo aka runs with bearclaw

I totally suck

I'm completely undisciplined in every sense of the word. I don't blog because I'm ashamed at my progress. Because there isn't any progress. I'm getting winded going up stairs again. I'm petrified that I'll get back to where I was before. I'm still at 148, so praise Jesus at that, but I can tell it's fat pounds instead of muscle pounds. The first plateau I hit, I've skated it for the last month.
I remember the day of my downfall. It all began with the phrase "Just one won't hurt." I was at a BBQ and my friend asked if I wanted a bud lite. Now, I normally don't drink bud light because I'm not a Bud fan. I'm more of a Miller girl (well, Stella Artois or Wyder's Raspberry Cider, really, but Miller if I'm going light... but I digress...) I hadn't had alcohol in a couple of months and I was doing SOOOO well on the plan. I was working out regularly and it was good. I'd hit a small plateau and said, "You know what, just one won't hurt." So I had one Bud Lite. Then one captain and coke. Then one Stoli Vanil and Sprite. Then one chicken wing. Then five. Then one cheese it, then twenty. Then one chocolatey marshmallowy graham crackery S'more deliciousness. Then another. My friend Jeremiah made it for me and "I don't want to be rude," right?
Well, it's been just one month and I feel completely out of control. I'm on the Zoloft now, so I feel a little more like me and it's an antidepressant, so I'm not depressed about my weight (a bonus), I am disappointed in the choices I've made. My pulse is up a little and I'm sure my blood pressure is too. When I went to the doctor when I had a bad sore throat, my bp was 108/65 and when I went see him about the zoloft, it was back up to 122/74, which is still "safe," but lower is always better. I can feel a twinge of pain in my left thigh and my hyperchodriac brain goes to "oh no, it's a blood clot!" or "my vericose veins are going to explode!" I've noticed my pants getting just a tad bit tighter and my belly feels bigger. And I see it in my face, which kills me the most.
I'm so encouraged by you guys and your gumption to stick to the plan and to make the right decisions. Yesterday, I made some better choices by going to the farmer's market and getting some fresh produce and yogurt to get back to making smoothies. Tonight I made a wrap with a low calorie pita wrap, some hummus, chicken, corn, red peppers, zucchini and avocado. It was awesome. I like healthy food. I like the way it makes me feel. I like the way it makes me look.
I hate the siren's song of sugar. Ice cream is the devil. But a day without chocolate is a day unlived.
I've done it. I've been doing it. Little changes. Lifestyle changes. I'll continue to be honest with you because you're my friends. And honestly, I'm struggling. Everything else in my life is going well except this, and this is huge. And so is my ass. Change one and I'll change the other.

P.S.

Welcome Shawn to the blog! I am glad to get to know you and look forward to reading more of your experiences. Good luck this week!

Hey, I have a collarbone!

First of all, I need to apologize..I am so sorry that I haven't blogged since early February! How rude is that?!? I am happy to say that in between my blog entries I have been texting and keeping in touch with one of my fellow buddies helping eachother and trying to keep motivated.

I had a really tough month in March. We had to put our sweet dog down and it was so traumatic! I never thought I would go (in one word) "ape-shit" when he passed away. But I did. My whole family was so hurt and torn and it was so sudden we couldn't believe he was gone. So, I broke out the tortilla chips and salsa and drowned my sorrows with cilantro, onions and tomato goodness. Hazzzah! Odie (our dog) would have wanted it like that...he loved those tortilla chips! Even though I was eating my sorrows, I continued to lose weight in my company biggest loser competition...wierd.

Then our daughter was scheduled to have her tonsils out on the 23rd. On the 20th I woke up to a high fever, nasty cough and chills. Needless to say, I had pneumonia and my daughter was getting wheeled into surgery. I hardly ate that week because I was so sick. We just laid in bed and she stayed hopped up on codeine and I laid next to her coughing. FUN.

I weighed in today (week 9 of our 10 week program) and I have lost 31 lbs and 8.88% of my total body weight. I am trying to work out again and get my lungs moving. I have a friend who is a personal trainer and they are offering to help me at my gym at work to make sure I am making the most of my workouts. Next week is our final weigh in and I will see if I have had the highest weight loss % and then I win $140!!

Now that we are on the mend, I do plan on blogging my progress and my struggles more regularly. Till then....

Impatient

So I've been lifting consistently for a week or so. My adjustable dumbbells go from 5-45 lbs. They won't get me uber-buff, but I stand to get pretty cut if I keep it up. In my experience, being cut and rigid can get a look of lust or desire from the girls, which I used to value, but now I just want it to feel better about me. I know that I'm not supposed to be tubby. I never had an inch of fat on me until about 10 years ago. I also have a Total Gym, but it's in the garage because there is a twin bed set up in my former workout area of my family room. It won't be until the middle of June that the bed and gym swap places. I do however, have the elliptical set up, and I haven't been using that because I need a dry lube to stop it from squeaking. If I were more serious about it, I'd have taken care of that by now. A big part of me knows that once I do lube it, I'll either have to use it, or be a schmuck. So as long as I don't lube it up, I'm golden. I want to get cut though, so I'm not experiencing any problems with consistency lifting. Of course, I don't want to be cut up top, and tubby in the middle, that's just lame. Additionally, I'm considering going back on South Beach again, because I lost about 18 lbs. in 10 weeks last time. If I were doing the South Beach AND working out, I would be in new territory. I've heard a bunch of naysayers slamming South Beach, but I liked it, never felt weak or unhealthy, and got great results from it before. So those people can choke on it. I went to Costco yesterday and bought about $300 worth of non-South Beach food, so it'll have to wait for now. Until next time . . .

I'm ready

Hi. I'll be contributing to this site over the remainder of the year. I hope. Isn't that how it always is with us though? A hope? Allow me to clarify. I plan to do more than hope this time around. Arrgh! Again, all too common amongst our type, to plan, to wish, to DESIRE. Okay, how about this? I have already invested in some adjustable dumbbells ($300) and have dusted off my elliptical. There, that seems more towards doing than just looking in the mirror and pouting. Anyway, my goals are to lose the 30 or 40 extra pounds of fat I've pasted on my midsection and face over the last 10 years or so, and to not wheeze when I look at a small incline. I'm pretty rigid in some areas of my life, and not so much so in others. This area has plauged me for years as "others not so rigid in". That's over. I started lifting last week, consistently, even. Of course, consistincy within a week has been done all over the world, I dare say, COUNTLESS times. So here we go. I'm looking to trim up and tone up. I want the days back where hotties would look at me and smile. Not that kind of smile that you give someone in a wheelchair either. No, the good smile. More importantly, I want to look in the mirror and have that same kind of smile shine back at me. If I don't lose any weight, and turn it to muscle, that's fine. 240 and beefy works for me. 240 and a belly that hides my pecs is so tired though. I'll be updating both success and failures as the year goes on. Till next time, Hackfest.

new worries

So, I haven't been doing the greatest on my quest. The last month has been very bad and I haven't really been caring or paying attention to what's been going on. I've been very stressed and been doing some emotional eating and I think I've worked out like three or four times. Fortunately, I haven't gained a whole bunch and I think working out has been a big factor in that. The last time I went to the doctor, I was 270 and now I'm at 248, so there's still some progress in there. Part of the reason I haven't been doing well is because I've really been struggling with some stress, anxiety and a bit of depression. I've been stuttering more and just felt like I've been spiraling out of control. Today I went to the doctor to talk about some of the issues I've been going through and he's prescribed me Zoloft. He did say that one of the side effects can be weight gain, which is exactly what I don't want! I'm hoping that this side effect won't be one of the ones that effect me. I'm hoping that this will make me feel more like myself and hopefully feeling more like myself will allow me to get back to working out and eating right which will make me feel better too, so I'm hoping this will be a great beginning of me getting back to normal. I'll keep you posted.

Introducing......

Shawn. Shawn and I met when I lived in Washington state. He is married to a beautiful and very sweet girl name Jaimi and they have an adorable baby boy named Elijah (Eli) Emmett. Shawn has a way with words and will be a glorious addition to the fluffytofabulous team!! I'm looking forward to being inspired and motivated by his challenges and no-excuses attitude. Yay Shawn!

JUST FOCUS DAMN IT!

I feel so great when I'm doing great. I hold my head high, I am confident in the choices I'm making and all seems right with the world. I'm able to focus and get results from my workouts. I actually work out. I get out of bed easier in the morning. I spend more time with my dog and she's happier. I look people more in the eye when I talk to them. I even flirt a little. But then I get lost on the inside and make bad choices based on my emotions. Then it's like an alcoholic at a wine tasting. It starts with a little taste, then before you know it, they're in the closet with the leftover bottles, sloshing it all around and sucking any rogue drops off of their shirt sleeves. I'm learning a lot about myself, and I'm learning that when I allow myself an inch, I'll take a mile. If I allow myself a little slip up, I'll allow myself a few more. Then I'll begin to see weakness as an option. Then it becomes a part of me, uncontrollable, justified, forgiven and repeated. I need to remember that I don't think about food like a normal person. I don't say no like a normal person. It's one of the challenges I've been given and I'll learn how to deal with it. Not necessarily conquer it and I think that's going to have to be the difference. Every day provides new challenges that I have to win. And I like to win. So here I go again...

A day like Alexander's

Do you remember the book "Alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day?" Well I do. And I lived it yesterday. Well, at least in the second half of the day. I never truly understood what a vital role protein and fiber in the morning play in your satiety levels through the rest of the day. I woke up late yesterday and didn't have time to grab anything for breakfast. I had a bowl of Cheerios at work around nine or so, but that was four hours after I had woken up. I grabbed a Farmhouse grilled chicken salad from Arby's on the way home and picked out most of the bacon. The salad had onions on it and I had a bite or two and was in my roommate room resetting her computer and she HATES onions, so I grabbed a Skinny Cow dipped bar to try to get compensate for the scent of onions until I could finish my salad a few minutes later. I wonder if that woke up my sugar sense or something because by the time I got home from taking my roommate to the airport, I was craving chocolate and real sugar, and bad! I have some of those "no pudge brownies" that you mix with yogurt and put in the microwave for a single serving. That wouldn't have been so bad, had I not put chocolate frosting on top of it. And eaten chocolate frosting out of the can while the brownie was heating. And after I had already had the brownie. And while I was waiting for a second brownie to cook. And after I had eaten that one. Total, I probably had three or four tablespoons of frosting... gross.
Then I went to work and didn't have anything there, but on the way home I passed by Taco Bell and this is where the shameful feelings I've had so far today have surfaced. They have these new enchilada platters and I've wanted to try them since I saw them. I wasn't even hungry as I pulled into the drive thru. I heard myself order and I wasn't going to get anything to drink. Then I ordered a small fruit punch. Then I saw it was only a dollar more for the combo that came with a large drink and a small drink was $1.09, so it made more "financial sense" to get the large. I had planned to only eat half and put the rest in the fridge for later... because if history says anything, I'll forget about it and won't end up eating the leftovers. Yeah, and I should have listened to my own history to realize that I don't eat half. If I made a habit of eating half, I'd be half my size and that obviously isn't the case otherwise I wouldn't be blogging about this right now. So, I had the whole platter. And the whole large sugar filled "fruit" punch (which should be named sugar-filled crack in a cup made to taste somewhat like a combination of fruits.)
I think what is digging away at me more than the fact that I gave into temptation... yet again... is the fact that for the first time this morning, I woke up with that voice in my head. The one that says there's no way I can do this. The one who says I don't deserve this. The one who says I was stupid to even think I could try. And here I am, blogging about how disappointed I am in myself instead of working off what I did at the gym.
I know tomorrow is another day and I should hush those voices because I can do this and I will make it happen, but for now I'm having a little pity party... while enjoying my slim fast shake with berries blended in. Happy Valentines to me I guess.

Biggest Loser Week 1

So, as of Monday I lost 7lbs! Which calculated to be 2% of my body weight, which also meant I was the biggest loser for the first week! I won $16 and I quickly stashed it away to save up for some better work out shoes. I've spent too much time in mine, using them for the occasional "casual friday" look and not enough on the elliptical. I'm thinking about getting some new balance shoes because I heard those are the best for working out. What are your thoughts? What do you wear? I'm hoping to win week 2 but I feel my competition is pissed that I won. I keep getting congratulations emails, however I see they are saying, "Too bad I'm going to win next week.." I have a lot of work ahead of me if I want to stay the biggest loser. I'm going to just do the best I can and see what happens. I'm still following my mom's theory. I can eat whatever I want, in moderation and if I choose to. I had a slice of that pie, but you know, it was almost disappointing. It was a little too sweet and too much. (WIERD) But come to think of it, I have only had diet sprite in the last 12 days (no dr pepper, remember that!!) and not a lot of refined sugar. Not unless the sugar is naturally in the item, like apples, oranges, etc. I have been working out everyday and pushing myself a little more. Yesterday, I did about 25 mins on the elliptical and I stopped when my body said, "Enough already!!" Because even though I'm feeling better, I cannot shake this icky feeling I get at night somewhere before dinner and going to bed, I feel like my chest is hurting again, I start losing my voice and throat hurts...ugh. So, I don't want to over do it if I'm still trying to heal my body. Anyways--I'm at work and its 7am..Until next time! tooodalooooo!

Am I supposed to pee this much?

Good lord. It's like the floodgates have opened! It's a good thing, but damn! I remember once hearing these people ask one of the smartest guys in the world all these questions. One of them was, "When you lose weight, where does it go?" and I figured his answer would be the poop chute, but I was wrong. He said that fat molecules are H2O2, so they're a water molecule and an oxygen molecule adhered together, so when you start losing weight, you breathe it out and you pee it out. Granted, when you're eating more fiber and stuff you'll get the excess crap out of your body(no pun intended) and water will go with that, but apparently that is the reason for my marathon restroom sessions. Not that you're exactly interested (and if slightly disgusted, I apologize,) but one of the reasons for the site is to get out all my questions and frustrations and stuff. I just can't remember a time that on such a regular basis, I felt like the main character in an Adam Sandler CD sketch. That is all. I hope this means the number on the scale went down along with my inches. I was still at the same weight a couple of days ago, but I've been working out pretty hard, so I'm hoping that means I've built up some muscle.... Whatever. Last Chance Workout, here I come!

The chick in the tae bo videos is kinda scary...

Today is Saturday and I woke up feeling energized and rested for the first time in months! Not to mention, Daisy let me sleep in until 9am!  I probably haven't felt that since before I had pneumonia and that felt like a long time ago.  I slept good and today is the first day that my lungs aren't achy and gross.  (It's a wierd thing to say, describing how your lungs actually FEEL..)  I decided to take advantage of my comcast on demand Fitness channel and excersize this morning before I did anything else.  I didn't know what I could do because I'm so out of shape and I don't know how to do pilates, I don't know what or where my core is...so I decided on one that I have done in the past.  Tae Bo...yes, the fabled Billy Blanks is still at it perfecting his chi and strengthening his core (there's that dang core thing again!!  I'm thinking of an apple core here...) I was pleased to see that his clothes aren't as tight as they used to be and he actually had a loose fitting t shirt on, not the spandex tank top that half way thru the work out his left nip always popped out of his tank! I swear it did and it was gross and it always used to bug me!! Anyways--back to the current work out, I even noticed he wasn't as buff as he used to be...He was explaining somewhere during the leg lunges and the (double time!!) punches that he was doing it all wrong a few years ago, and he is working out differently.   Whatev.  So, I'm doing my best to keep up with him and his crew and I see that to his left there is this chick screaming and yelling , "HUH" and "YES SIR" after he finishes a sentence...It got a little annoying and she was kind of scary.  I guess I wasn't as into it as she was...So, 25 mins later I cooling down with Billy (no nip this time, mind you!!) and I too felt a sense of accomplishment.  I felt like I did it again!  I chose to do the right decision and make a better life for myself.  I then downed a ton of water and had a healthy breakfast.  I'm feeling better about myself eventhough I cannot see the difference yet, I feel it on the inside. Maybe that is what my core is...I still don't know.  I got ready for the day, had a good hair and make up day too!  The sun is shining and I'm feeling good.  

I then went to my mom's house and made 4 of the most wonderful, delicious, amazing, almost sinful you think you are cheating on your husband apple pies..  They have this awesome crumbly topping with butter, flour, brown sugar and oatmeal...oh and pecans and caramel sauce that you dribble on the top..need I say more?  It's my hubby's birthday and we are going to have 14 people over in our little duplex to celebrate him  (and these pies!) so we should have fun.  I feel like I have enough strength to say that I can have a small slice of pie if I want to.  I don't have to have a huge slice and I don't think I have to watch everyone else moan and enjoy the pie and I am stuck in this diet bubble...I will do good and I am looking forward to enjoying every second, every tongue tickling morsel of my lil' piece of pie tonight...in moderation...of course!

A sense of accomplishment

Life is really good right now. I've hit my first goal of losing 10% of my body weight (27 pounds so I'm currently at 245), I'm working out on a regular basis and just learning to take care of myself. I consider myself a nurturer by nature (say that ten times fast!) and I'm worried about the well being of others, but have never taken the time to put myself and my health first. I finally realized that I'll be of no use to anyone else if I'm no good to me.
As you've read, that has had a big impact on my life and my decision making this year. I'm making much better choices and I'm finally beginning to see the benefits of those choices. It's not only in the number on the scale, it's also in the sense of accomplishment I feel when I can bend down at work and be able to get back up. It pops up when I look in my closet for something to wear and I see THOSE jeans. The ones that I bought expecting them to fit and when I got them, they fit, but more like a wetsuit than something to relax in. The ones that now slide easily over my hips and thighs and are almost a little baggy and give me room to breathe.
I feel like I'm able to climb a mountain.. oh WAIT! I DID!! My friend Dan and I went hiking last week and although I wasn't able to climb the whole mountain, I refuse to feel bad about it because we got about a third of the way up and it's an intermediate/expert climb. Um, hello? Can anyone say beginner??? I tried to upload a couple of pictures, but then my computer crashed, so I won't try again...
Today I took a self defense course and it kind of kicked my butt (no pun intended), but it felt great! I'm glad I've been working out because it helped with some of the strength required for some of the moves, but you also use a lot of different muscles that you don't normally use, so it was a nice workout also. It actually made me a little interested in taking a longer self defense course or a martial arts course because it's a great skill to have in case I ever need it and it's a great workout. WEIRD! I'm talking about great workouts! And hiking! AND I LOVE IT! I love this person I'm becoming. I'm happy I'm getting out of the routine of being lazy and eating crap and putting nothing but chemicals into my body.
Interstingly enough, I feel more focused and like all the energy I have is harnessed in a healthier direction so I'm not as all over the place with my adult ADD (I've been diagnosed by a professional, I'm not using it as a cop out at all. It's not something I'm proud of but it's something I'm learning to live with and use to my advantage.)
Being proud of my self is a new feeling for me. I was proud of myself when I did well in school. I was proud of myself when I lost all the weight before I had my gallbladder surgery. I've been proud of myself that I've been able to successfully support myself without NEEDING a man. But this is totally different. This is me making great choices for ME so I'll have a better future. So I'll attract a higher caliber partner because I'll be at a higher caliber myself. Not right away, but one small step at a time.