I totally suck

I'm completely undisciplined in every sense of the word. I don't blog because I'm ashamed at my progress. Because there isn't any progress. I'm getting winded going up stairs again. I'm petrified that I'll get back to where I was before. I'm still at 148, so praise Jesus at that, but I can tell it's fat pounds instead of muscle pounds. The first plateau I hit, I've skated it for the last month.
I remember the day of my downfall. It all began with the phrase "Just one won't hurt." I was at a BBQ and my friend asked if I wanted a bud lite. Now, I normally don't drink bud light because I'm not a Bud fan. I'm more of a Miller girl (well, Stella Artois or Wyder's Raspberry Cider, really, but Miller if I'm going light... but I digress...) I hadn't had alcohol in a couple of months and I was doing SOOOO well on the plan. I was working out regularly and it was good. I'd hit a small plateau and said, "You know what, just one won't hurt." So I had one Bud Lite. Then one captain and coke. Then one Stoli Vanil and Sprite. Then one chicken wing. Then five. Then one cheese it, then twenty. Then one chocolatey marshmallowy graham crackery S'more deliciousness. Then another. My friend Jeremiah made it for me and "I don't want to be rude," right?
Well, it's been just one month and I feel completely out of control. I'm on the Zoloft now, so I feel a little more like me and it's an antidepressant, so I'm not depressed about my weight (a bonus), I am disappointed in the choices I've made. My pulse is up a little and I'm sure my blood pressure is too. When I went to the doctor when I had a bad sore throat, my bp was 108/65 and when I went see him about the zoloft, it was back up to 122/74, which is still "safe," but lower is always better. I can feel a twinge of pain in my left thigh and my hyperchodriac brain goes to "oh no, it's a blood clot!" or "my vericose veins are going to explode!" I've noticed my pants getting just a tad bit tighter and my belly feels bigger. And I see it in my face, which kills me the most.
I'm so encouraged by you guys and your gumption to stick to the plan and to make the right decisions. Yesterday, I made some better choices by going to the farmer's market and getting some fresh produce and yogurt to get back to making smoothies. Tonight I made a wrap with a low calorie pita wrap, some hummus, chicken, corn, red peppers, zucchini and avocado. It was awesome. I like healthy food. I like the way it makes me feel. I like the way it makes me look.
I hate the siren's song of sugar. Ice cream is the devil. But a day without chocolate is a day unlived.
I've done it. I've been doing it. Little changes. Lifestyle changes. I'll continue to be honest with you because you're my friends. And honestly, I'm struggling. Everything else in my life is going well except this, and this is huge. And so is my ass. Change one and I'll change the other.