those jeans

I have a pair of "those jeans." You know the ones. The ones you bought awhile back during your last weight loss venture. The ones you squeeeeezed into and were terrified to wear out of the dryer because you didn't want to look like sausage meat shoved into pigskin walking down the street. I have a pair of those. I put them on today. Out of the dryer. They're baggy. Praise Jesus. Only 58 more pounds to go...

I've learned something about myself

I've learned that I can't have "cheat days." Because "cheat days" turn into "cheat weeks." I was doing so well for all of May and had cut out almost all sugar, white bread, white flour, white pasta, etc. Then my birthday hit. And I went a little crazy. And I don't mind the fact that I gave in on my birthday. You only get one a year. But I do mind what I allowed myself to give into the following days because I chose not to control the "spikes" and "crashes" I'd worked so hard to get rid of in the first place. Praise Jesus that I haven't gained back too much weight (like three or four pounds, but that is still HUGE to me). So, I'm getting back on the bike, starting again. I have a new goal and that is to be under 200 pounds by October. I only have 34 pounds to go to reach it and I'm giving myself just over three months to do it, but it'll be the healthy way, that way it won't come back.
I'm going to be moving in a couple of weeks and I'll be losing access to the apartment complex gym, but Elsie and her husband are going to keep an eye out for specials at the LA fitness near work (he works there) so I can get in on a "no enrollment" special. Since it's on my way to work, I'll have absolutely no excuse not to go. Plus Elsie goes a lot so I'll have accountability in that respect. She also has Squaw Peak in her backyard so hiking will be a breeze.
I'm really excited about this move and the positive changes it's going to bring into my life. It's closer to my friends, my work, the mountains and it's going to save me a decent amount of money on gas and utilities! Yaaay!

how YOU doin'?

How are you guys doing? I'm sticking to the plan and doing excellent so far! I'm down ten pounds from where I was the last time I blogged and I'm feeling GREAT! My skin has cleared up and I don't have NEARLY the spikes and crashes I was having before. I'm totally motivated and even looking at sugar now (in the form of cakes and regular pasta and white bread and soda) almost repulses me, but in a good way. I see a bellyache when I look at them so I just stay away. If I want something sweet, I'll get some fruit or make some tea with agave nectar. Woo hoo! I'm still not working out as I should *slaps self on hand* but I PROMISE I will do better this week. I WILL go the gym at least three times. Today (as long as I don't get called into work... i'm the "on call" this morning), Friday before work and Monday morning FOR SURE. I'll try to get there other times too, but now that I have a plan, I'll be sure to make it happen. :D
KEEP IT UP! WE CAN DO THIS!

May goals

So, I gave my current weight, measurements, goals and plan to Rhiannon. Without all the specifics, here's my plan:

Goal: Lose ten pounds and a half an inch of my chest, waist, hips and thighs (each)

Plan: Walk 30 minutes every day with Roxy (15 in am, 15 in pm)
Eliminate white flour, sugar and pasta and replace with whole grains (I've been doing this anyway so by the end of the month, I should be good)
Strength training minimum 3X per week

I know ten pounds sounds like a lofty goal, but I should be able to do that by just replacing Diet Dr. Pepper with water. If it was Elsie saying she'd lose ten pounds, I'd be skeptical because she's already pretty small, but when you're talking about a fabulous fluffy girl, it's a little bit easier. Plus, I have to set my goal a little bit higher otherwise I'd just starve myself the last week instead of working on it gradually throughout the whole month and get back in the habit of making new habits.

I need to get back to working out. I'm going to be moving next month and I need to build up some strength for all that lifting and going up and down the stairs because I don't want to throw my back out or hurt myself, you know?

a greeeeaaaaat website

So, my friend Elsie introduced me a website called www.fitday.com. It helps keep track of your calories and activity and stuff. I had NO IDEA how quickly they can rack up! I highly recommend checking it out!
How did I come upon this website? My friend Elsie recommended it. She is a great friend at work and she, Anna-Kay and Rhiannon and I are trying a new accountability adventure this month. We're writing down our current goals for the month and giving them to Rhiannon. On my birthday at the end of the month Rhiannon is going to bring our envelopes and if we hit our goals, awesome. If we don't, then we have to buy a dessert for the other girls and we don't get to have any of it. I know it's kind of weird, but we all agree on it and it'll be good motivation. It's just what I need to get back on track.
We're writing down our measurements and current weight and our goal for the month. We also have to write out exactly how we plan to achieve our goals. Once I have it all figured out, I'll let you know. :P

round two

So, as you've read, I haven't been doing as well as I'd originally hoped on this adventure. I've gotten side-tracked, given into temptation both to food and to laziness and now have nothing to show for it. Well, fortunately for me, today is a new day. Right now I don't feel good. And I know it's because I haven't been eating well or taking care of my body. It's time to get back on track. I don't want to end up on Dr. G, Medical Examiner's table because of a heart attack, stroke, blood clot or aneurysm because I didn't do something about my health before it was too late. So, I'm on my way to the grocery store to buy some fresh produce and naturally cleanse my system for the next couple of days. I need to get rid of all the junk which will hopefully get rid of some of the cravings which will hopefully get rid of some of the spikes and crashes which will hopefully give me more energy and motivation to work out... or at least take longer walks with Roxy. I need to take care of me as well as I try to take care of her. If I can get her weight down with regular meals and exercise, I can do the same thing for me. Wish me luck. I hope you're doing as well as I'm not! Haha.

Every little thing is going to be alright!

Ohhh sweetie-kins. I'm so sorry you are having a tough time. Trust me girlfriend, I didn't get to being over 150lbs overweight overnight! It took a long time (a couple years) to get to where we are and its going to take a couple years to change our lives and get those bad habits into good habits. I feel like an addict sometimes when I'm sitting there at home and I know there is a kitchen full of food waiting to be eaten by me! And it itches at me and bugs me until I can just get something that satisfies me. If I'm stressed out, I don't want to walk, I don't want to breathe heavy.. I want to drown my sorrows and stress and eat. Eat and eat until the pain goes away...of course until there is a new pain of feeling full and bloated.

Girlfriend, I love you so much and I'm sorry you are having a tough time. It's going to be ok. You had a great meal the other night and went to the farmers market. You DIDNT drown your sorrows like you normally would have..like me...in the taco bell drive thru...(which one was built right near my house, curse you taco bell!!)

We will all plateau, we will have awesome days and weeks and then we will have crappy ones. You are not alone in this and you know I am there for you. I'm burned out on water right now. I try to drink at least 64 oz a day and I can hardly stand the taste of it. I have been using crystal light and trying new flavors to try and shake things up a bit.

I love you * I love you * I love you!
Hang in there sweet cheeks I believe in you and I love your curves! Ow baby!! xoxoxo (I pray I don't blow it on easter..we have carrot cake and cheese cake!! HOLD ME BACK!!)
xoxoxo aimee xoxoxo aka runs with bearclaw

I totally suck

I'm completely undisciplined in every sense of the word. I don't blog because I'm ashamed at my progress. Because there isn't any progress. I'm getting winded going up stairs again. I'm petrified that I'll get back to where I was before. I'm still at 148, so praise Jesus at that, but I can tell it's fat pounds instead of muscle pounds. The first plateau I hit, I've skated it for the last month.
I remember the day of my downfall. It all began with the phrase "Just one won't hurt." I was at a BBQ and my friend asked if I wanted a bud lite. Now, I normally don't drink bud light because I'm not a Bud fan. I'm more of a Miller girl (well, Stella Artois or Wyder's Raspberry Cider, really, but Miller if I'm going light... but I digress...) I hadn't had alcohol in a couple of months and I was doing SOOOO well on the plan. I was working out regularly and it was good. I'd hit a small plateau and said, "You know what, just one won't hurt." So I had one Bud Lite. Then one captain and coke. Then one Stoli Vanil and Sprite. Then one chicken wing. Then five. Then one cheese it, then twenty. Then one chocolatey marshmallowy graham crackery S'more deliciousness. Then another. My friend Jeremiah made it for me and "I don't want to be rude," right?
Well, it's been just one month and I feel completely out of control. I'm on the Zoloft now, so I feel a little more like me and it's an antidepressant, so I'm not depressed about my weight (a bonus), I am disappointed in the choices I've made. My pulse is up a little and I'm sure my blood pressure is too. When I went to the doctor when I had a bad sore throat, my bp was 108/65 and when I went see him about the zoloft, it was back up to 122/74, which is still "safe," but lower is always better. I can feel a twinge of pain in my left thigh and my hyperchodriac brain goes to "oh no, it's a blood clot!" or "my vericose veins are going to explode!" I've noticed my pants getting just a tad bit tighter and my belly feels bigger. And I see it in my face, which kills me the most.
I'm so encouraged by you guys and your gumption to stick to the plan and to make the right decisions. Yesterday, I made some better choices by going to the farmer's market and getting some fresh produce and yogurt to get back to making smoothies. Tonight I made a wrap with a low calorie pita wrap, some hummus, chicken, corn, red peppers, zucchini and avocado. It was awesome. I like healthy food. I like the way it makes me feel. I like the way it makes me look.
I hate the siren's song of sugar. Ice cream is the devil. But a day without chocolate is a day unlived.
I've done it. I've been doing it. Little changes. Lifestyle changes. I'll continue to be honest with you because you're my friends. And honestly, I'm struggling. Everything else in my life is going well except this, and this is huge. And so is my ass. Change one and I'll change the other.

P.S.

Welcome Shawn to the blog! I am glad to get to know you and look forward to reading more of your experiences. Good luck this week!

Hey, I have a collarbone!

First of all, I need to apologize..I am so sorry that I haven't blogged since early February! How rude is that?!? I am happy to say that in between my blog entries I have been texting and keeping in touch with one of my fellow buddies helping eachother and trying to keep motivated.

I had a really tough month in March. We had to put our sweet dog down and it was so traumatic! I never thought I would go (in one word) "ape-shit" when he passed away. But I did. My whole family was so hurt and torn and it was so sudden we couldn't believe he was gone. So, I broke out the tortilla chips and salsa and drowned my sorrows with cilantro, onions and tomato goodness. Hazzzah! Odie (our dog) would have wanted it like that...he loved those tortilla chips! Even though I was eating my sorrows, I continued to lose weight in my company biggest loser competition...wierd.

Then our daughter was scheduled to have her tonsils out on the 23rd. On the 20th I woke up to a high fever, nasty cough and chills. Needless to say, I had pneumonia and my daughter was getting wheeled into surgery. I hardly ate that week because I was so sick. We just laid in bed and she stayed hopped up on codeine and I laid next to her coughing. FUN.

I weighed in today (week 9 of our 10 week program) and I have lost 31 lbs and 8.88% of my total body weight. I am trying to work out again and get my lungs moving. I have a friend who is a personal trainer and they are offering to help me at my gym at work to make sure I am making the most of my workouts. Next week is our final weigh in and I will see if I have had the highest weight loss % and then I win $140!!

Now that we are on the mend, I do plan on blogging my progress and my struggles more regularly. Till then....

Impatient

So I've been lifting consistently for a week or so. My adjustable dumbbells go from 5-45 lbs. They won't get me uber-buff, but I stand to get pretty cut if I keep it up. In my experience, being cut and rigid can get a look of lust or desire from the girls, which I used to value, but now I just want it to feel better about me. I know that I'm not supposed to be tubby. I never had an inch of fat on me until about 10 years ago. I also have a Total Gym, but it's in the garage because there is a twin bed set up in my former workout area of my family room. It won't be until the middle of June that the bed and gym swap places. I do however, have the elliptical set up, and I haven't been using that because I need a dry lube to stop it from squeaking. If I were more serious about it, I'd have taken care of that by now. A big part of me knows that once I do lube it, I'll either have to use it, or be a schmuck. So as long as I don't lube it up, I'm golden. I want to get cut though, so I'm not experiencing any problems with consistency lifting. Of course, I don't want to be cut up top, and tubby in the middle, that's just lame. Additionally, I'm considering going back on South Beach again, because I lost about 18 lbs. in 10 weeks last time. If I were doing the South Beach AND working out, I would be in new territory. I've heard a bunch of naysayers slamming South Beach, but I liked it, never felt weak or unhealthy, and got great results from it before. So those people can choke on it. I went to Costco yesterday and bought about $300 worth of non-South Beach food, so it'll have to wait for now. Until next time . . .

I'm ready

Hi. I'll be contributing to this site over the remainder of the year. I hope. Isn't that how it always is with us though? A hope? Allow me to clarify. I plan to do more than hope this time around. Arrgh! Again, all too common amongst our type, to plan, to wish, to DESIRE. Okay, how about this? I have already invested in some adjustable dumbbells ($300) and have dusted off my elliptical. There, that seems more towards doing than just looking in the mirror and pouting. Anyway, my goals are to lose the 30 or 40 extra pounds of fat I've pasted on my midsection and face over the last 10 years or so, and to not wheeze when I look at a small incline. I'm pretty rigid in some areas of my life, and not so much so in others. This area has plauged me for years as "others not so rigid in". That's over. I started lifting last week, consistently, even. Of course, consistincy within a week has been done all over the world, I dare say, COUNTLESS times. So here we go. I'm looking to trim up and tone up. I want the days back where hotties would look at me and smile. Not that kind of smile that you give someone in a wheelchair either. No, the good smile. More importantly, I want to look in the mirror and have that same kind of smile shine back at me. If I don't lose any weight, and turn it to muscle, that's fine. 240 and beefy works for me. 240 and a belly that hides my pecs is so tired though. I'll be updating both success and failures as the year goes on. Till next time, Hackfest.

new worries

So, I haven't been doing the greatest on my quest. The last month has been very bad and I haven't really been caring or paying attention to what's been going on. I've been very stressed and been doing some emotional eating and I think I've worked out like three or four times. Fortunately, I haven't gained a whole bunch and I think working out has been a big factor in that. The last time I went to the doctor, I was 270 and now I'm at 248, so there's still some progress in there. Part of the reason I haven't been doing well is because I've really been struggling with some stress, anxiety and a bit of depression. I've been stuttering more and just felt like I've been spiraling out of control. Today I went to the doctor to talk about some of the issues I've been going through and he's prescribed me Zoloft. He did say that one of the side effects can be weight gain, which is exactly what I don't want! I'm hoping that this side effect won't be one of the ones that effect me. I'm hoping that this will make me feel more like myself and hopefully feeling more like myself will allow me to get back to working out and eating right which will make me feel better too, so I'm hoping this will be a great beginning of me getting back to normal. I'll keep you posted.

Introducing......

Shawn. Shawn and I met when I lived in Washington state. He is married to a beautiful and very sweet girl name Jaimi and they have an adorable baby boy named Elijah (Eli) Emmett. Shawn has a way with words and will be a glorious addition to the fluffytofabulous team!! I'm looking forward to being inspired and motivated by his challenges and no-excuses attitude. Yay Shawn!

JUST FOCUS DAMN IT!

I feel so great when I'm doing great. I hold my head high, I am confident in the choices I'm making and all seems right with the world. I'm able to focus and get results from my workouts. I actually work out. I get out of bed easier in the morning. I spend more time with my dog and she's happier. I look people more in the eye when I talk to them. I even flirt a little. But then I get lost on the inside and make bad choices based on my emotions. Then it's like an alcoholic at a wine tasting. It starts with a little taste, then before you know it, they're in the closet with the leftover bottles, sloshing it all around and sucking any rogue drops off of their shirt sleeves. I'm learning a lot about myself, and I'm learning that when I allow myself an inch, I'll take a mile. If I allow myself a little slip up, I'll allow myself a few more. Then I'll begin to see weakness as an option. Then it becomes a part of me, uncontrollable, justified, forgiven and repeated. I need to remember that I don't think about food like a normal person. I don't say no like a normal person. It's one of the challenges I've been given and I'll learn how to deal with it. Not necessarily conquer it and I think that's going to have to be the difference. Every day provides new challenges that I have to win. And I like to win. So here I go again...

A day like Alexander's

Do you remember the book "Alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day?" Well I do. And I lived it yesterday. Well, at least in the second half of the day. I never truly understood what a vital role protein and fiber in the morning play in your satiety levels through the rest of the day. I woke up late yesterday and didn't have time to grab anything for breakfast. I had a bowl of Cheerios at work around nine or so, but that was four hours after I had woken up. I grabbed a Farmhouse grilled chicken salad from Arby's on the way home and picked out most of the bacon. The salad had onions on it and I had a bite or two and was in my roommate room resetting her computer and she HATES onions, so I grabbed a Skinny Cow dipped bar to try to get compensate for the scent of onions until I could finish my salad a few minutes later. I wonder if that woke up my sugar sense or something because by the time I got home from taking my roommate to the airport, I was craving chocolate and real sugar, and bad! I have some of those "no pudge brownies" that you mix with yogurt and put in the microwave for a single serving. That wouldn't have been so bad, had I not put chocolate frosting on top of it. And eaten chocolate frosting out of the can while the brownie was heating. And after I had already had the brownie. And while I was waiting for a second brownie to cook. And after I had eaten that one. Total, I probably had three or four tablespoons of frosting... gross.
Then I went to work and didn't have anything there, but on the way home I passed by Taco Bell and this is where the shameful feelings I've had so far today have surfaced. They have these new enchilada platters and I've wanted to try them since I saw them. I wasn't even hungry as I pulled into the drive thru. I heard myself order and I wasn't going to get anything to drink. Then I ordered a small fruit punch. Then I saw it was only a dollar more for the combo that came with a large drink and a small drink was $1.09, so it made more "financial sense" to get the large. I had planned to only eat half and put the rest in the fridge for later... because if history says anything, I'll forget about it and won't end up eating the leftovers. Yeah, and I should have listened to my own history to realize that I don't eat half. If I made a habit of eating half, I'd be half my size and that obviously isn't the case otherwise I wouldn't be blogging about this right now. So, I had the whole platter. And the whole large sugar filled "fruit" punch (which should be named sugar-filled crack in a cup made to taste somewhat like a combination of fruits.)
I think what is digging away at me more than the fact that I gave into temptation... yet again... is the fact that for the first time this morning, I woke up with that voice in my head. The one that says there's no way I can do this. The one who says I don't deserve this. The one who says I was stupid to even think I could try. And here I am, blogging about how disappointed I am in myself instead of working off what I did at the gym.
I know tomorrow is another day and I should hush those voices because I can do this and I will make it happen, but for now I'm having a little pity party... while enjoying my slim fast shake with berries blended in. Happy Valentines to me I guess.

Biggest Loser Week 1

So, as of Monday I lost 7lbs! Which calculated to be 2% of my body weight, which also meant I was the biggest loser for the first week! I won $16 and I quickly stashed it away to save up for some better work out shoes. I've spent too much time in mine, using them for the occasional "casual friday" look and not enough on the elliptical. I'm thinking about getting some new balance shoes because I heard those are the best for working out. What are your thoughts? What do you wear? I'm hoping to win week 2 but I feel my competition is pissed that I won. I keep getting congratulations emails, however I see they are saying, "Too bad I'm going to win next week.." I have a lot of work ahead of me if I want to stay the biggest loser. I'm going to just do the best I can and see what happens. I'm still following my mom's theory. I can eat whatever I want, in moderation and if I choose to. I had a slice of that pie, but you know, it was almost disappointing. It was a little too sweet and too much. (WIERD) But come to think of it, I have only had diet sprite in the last 12 days (no dr pepper, remember that!!) and not a lot of refined sugar. Not unless the sugar is naturally in the item, like apples, oranges, etc. I have been working out everyday and pushing myself a little more. Yesterday, I did about 25 mins on the elliptical and I stopped when my body said, "Enough already!!" Because even though I'm feeling better, I cannot shake this icky feeling I get at night somewhere before dinner and going to bed, I feel like my chest is hurting again, I start losing my voice and throat hurts...ugh. So, I don't want to over do it if I'm still trying to heal my body. Anyways--I'm at work and its 7am..Until next time! tooodalooooo!

Am I supposed to pee this much?

Good lord. It's like the floodgates have opened! It's a good thing, but damn! I remember once hearing these people ask one of the smartest guys in the world all these questions. One of them was, "When you lose weight, where does it go?" and I figured his answer would be the poop chute, but I was wrong. He said that fat molecules are H2O2, so they're a water molecule and an oxygen molecule adhered together, so when you start losing weight, you breathe it out and you pee it out. Granted, when you're eating more fiber and stuff you'll get the excess crap out of your body(no pun intended) and water will go with that, but apparently that is the reason for my marathon restroom sessions. Not that you're exactly interested (and if slightly disgusted, I apologize,) but one of the reasons for the site is to get out all my questions and frustrations and stuff. I just can't remember a time that on such a regular basis, I felt like the main character in an Adam Sandler CD sketch. That is all. I hope this means the number on the scale went down along with my inches. I was still at the same weight a couple of days ago, but I've been working out pretty hard, so I'm hoping that means I've built up some muscle.... Whatever. Last Chance Workout, here I come!

The chick in the tae bo videos is kinda scary...

Today is Saturday and I woke up feeling energized and rested for the first time in months! Not to mention, Daisy let me sleep in until 9am!  I probably haven't felt that since before I had pneumonia and that felt like a long time ago.  I slept good and today is the first day that my lungs aren't achy and gross.  (It's a wierd thing to say, describing how your lungs actually FEEL..)  I decided to take advantage of my comcast on demand Fitness channel and excersize this morning before I did anything else.  I didn't know what I could do because I'm so out of shape and I don't know how to do pilates, I don't know what or where my core is...so I decided on one that I have done in the past.  Tae Bo...yes, the fabled Billy Blanks is still at it perfecting his chi and strengthening his core (there's that dang core thing again!!  I'm thinking of an apple core here...) I was pleased to see that his clothes aren't as tight as they used to be and he actually had a loose fitting t shirt on, not the spandex tank top that half way thru the work out his left nip always popped out of his tank! I swear it did and it was gross and it always used to bug me!! Anyways--back to the current work out, I even noticed he wasn't as buff as he used to be...He was explaining somewhere during the leg lunges and the (double time!!) punches that he was doing it all wrong a few years ago, and he is working out differently.   Whatev.  So, I'm doing my best to keep up with him and his crew and I see that to his left there is this chick screaming and yelling , "HUH" and "YES SIR" after he finishes a sentence...It got a little annoying and she was kind of scary.  I guess I wasn't as into it as she was...So, 25 mins later I cooling down with Billy (no nip this time, mind you!!) and I too felt a sense of accomplishment.  I felt like I did it again!  I chose to do the right decision and make a better life for myself.  I then downed a ton of water and had a healthy breakfast.  I'm feeling better about myself eventhough I cannot see the difference yet, I feel it on the inside. Maybe that is what my core is...I still don't know.  I got ready for the day, had a good hair and make up day too!  The sun is shining and I'm feeling good.  

I then went to my mom's house and made 4 of the most wonderful, delicious, amazing, almost sinful you think you are cheating on your husband apple pies..  They have this awesome crumbly topping with butter, flour, brown sugar and oatmeal...oh and pecans and caramel sauce that you dribble on the top..need I say more?  It's my hubby's birthday and we are going to have 14 people over in our little duplex to celebrate him  (and these pies!) so we should have fun.  I feel like I have enough strength to say that I can have a small slice of pie if I want to.  I don't have to have a huge slice and I don't think I have to watch everyone else moan and enjoy the pie and I am stuck in this diet bubble...I will do good and I am looking forward to enjoying every second, every tongue tickling morsel of my lil' piece of pie tonight...in moderation...of course!

A sense of accomplishment

Life is really good right now. I've hit my first goal of losing 10% of my body weight (27 pounds so I'm currently at 245), I'm working out on a regular basis and just learning to take care of myself. I consider myself a nurturer by nature (say that ten times fast!) and I'm worried about the well being of others, but have never taken the time to put myself and my health first. I finally realized that I'll be of no use to anyone else if I'm no good to me.
As you've read, that has had a big impact on my life and my decision making this year. I'm making much better choices and I'm finally beginning to see the benefits of those choices. It's not only in the number on the scale, it's also in the sense of accomplishment I feel when I can bend down at work and be able to get back up. It pops up when I look in my closet for something to wear and I see THOSE jeans. The ones that I bought expecting them to fit and when I got them, they fit, but more like a wetsuit than something to relax in. The ones that now slide easily over my hips and thighs and are almost a little baggy and give me room to breathe.
I feel like I'm able to climb a mountain.. oh WAIT! I DID!! My friend Dan and I went hiking last week and although I wasn't able to climb the whole mountain, I refuse to feel bad about it because we got about a third of the way up and it's an intermediate/expert climb. Um, hello? Can anyone say beginner??? I tried to upload a couple of pictures, but then my computer crashed, so I won't try again...
Today I took a self defense course and it kind of kicked my butt (no pun intended), but it felt great! I'm glad I've been working out because it helped with some of the strength required for some of the moves, but you also use a lot of different muscles that you don't normally use, so it was a nice workout also. It actually made me a little interested in taking a longer self defense course or a martial arts course because it's a great skill to have in case I ever need it and it's a great workout. WEIRD! I'm talking about great workouts! And hiking! AND I LOVE IT! I love this person I'm becoming. I'm happy I'm getting out of the routine of being lazy and eating crap and putting nothing but chemicals into my body.
Interstingly enough, I feel more focused and like all the energy I have is harnessed in a healthier direction so I'm not as all over the place with my adult ADD (I've been diagnosed by a professional, I'm not using it as a cop out at all. It's not something I'm proud of but it's something I'm learning to live with and use to my advantage.)
Being proud of my self is a new feeling for me. I was proud of myself when I did well in school. I was proud of myself when I lost all the weight before I had my gallbladder surgery. I've been proud of myself that I've been able to successfully support myself without NEEDING a man. But this is totally different. This is me making great choices for ME so I'll have a better future. So I'll attract a higher caliber partner because I'll be at a higher caliber myself. Not right away, but one small step at a time.

Good bye Dr pepper! I will miss you! I'm always close by!!

Today is day for on my non-diet and I am feeling so much better. I'm still recovering from pneumonia and my whole family is being treated for whooping cough, beside all that, I'm feeling good. I've been getting headaches every now and then but I think that is from my body de-toxing from caffeine and sugar. I love love LOVE regular Dr. Pepper. I used to have one daily and usually had more once I got home too. It's amazing how much crap is in soda, but I still love it. I don't care who invented diet dr pepper and I don't know what kind of drug they were taking when they claim it tastes just like the regualar stuff. That is a bunch of crap! It doesn't taste at ALL like regular. If they created a Dr Pepper with splenda I'm sure I would like that...So, I'm an all or nothing girl. If I cannot have regular Dr Pepper then I will just have to say goodbye to it, for now...my love...be strong! Wait for me!!!

I excersized for the first time last night in months and after all the hacking and coughing, I'm actually glad I excersized. My lungs were burning and my legs were all wobbly, but I'm proud of myself for starting. I have a full sized gym available to me at my work and I signed up this week, so after work tonight I'm going to work out a little bit. I'm starting slow so I can work my way up to kicking ass and taking names...I may see if I can get a membership at the local YMCA so we as a family can work out together.

I'm not going to count calories or obsess or watch everything I'm going to eat. I am focusing on my portions and adding some fruits and veggies to my diet. Just being more conscience of what I'm eating. I had 1/2 c of light cookie dough ice cream and I don't feel guilty about it! I'm allowing myself to have whatever I want, just in moderation...control...and if I have a bad day, its only a day and I can start over the next. Weekdays are good for me because I can control myself at work. But I'm a little nervous on the weekends, when I'm home...with my fridge and pantry. But I'm going to keep busy, I want to work out in the morning with my daughter Daisy and not focus on what I cannot have, I think that is the key.

So we are doing a biggest loser competition at work in my dept. We have 18 people and we all put in $20 each. We went into the copy room, (yes, the copy room) and all were weighed. Every monday we get re-weighed and the person who loses the most % of their body weight (nobody knows the pounds except for the money/record keeper) wins $18! So, you can win $18 per week and at the 10th week you can win the rest of the money too, being (wait for it!!) dunnn dunnn dunnnn! The biggest loser! I'm hoping to win some weeks, and of course, hopefully the biggest loser. Either way, I started my weight loss and I'm not giong to stop until I reach my goal. I need to lose 150 lbs. I will write on Monday after the big weigh--in and let you know how I'm doing!

New ticker... lost my PIN

So, I'm retarded and I don't remember the password to my old ticker, so here's a fun bright one for summer! I FINALLY BROKE 250 for the first time in at LEAST 3 or 4 years. Bring it on SUMMER!

Biggest Loser--my way

So, we have decided at my work to do a biggest loser contest. Basically, we are putting in $20 per person for 10 weeks. Every week we weigh ourselves and someone figures our % body weight/fat lost. The winner of the week gets a little bit of $$ and after 10 weeks the biggest loser gets the rest of the money! I need a push, I need a motivation and this has got to be it! I'm starting today, so we will see how it goes! I'm going into the copy room right now here at work to see the real numbers and face the truth how much I really do weigh and how much my % body fat is (ouch, such harsh words!!) and accept it and move on! I don't want to see this weight again!

renewed motivation

So, I realize that I have a problem with "just one." I gave in to some of my demons with jack in the box and burger king as you read in my last post. Then yesterday I had a brownie for breakfast... then I went to a bbq and went crazy. I had a light beer and three cocktails. I had a cheeseburger and a hot dog and chips and queso and cheez its and not one but TWO s'mores. TWO! This morning I wanted to see the damage that my indescretions had cost me. I had still lost two pounds from the last time I weighed myself, but then I wondered how much I WOULD have lost if I would have stuck to my guns. Granted, I've promised myself that this is a lifestyle change and I'm sure I won't say no to s'mores forever, so I'm not going to feel guilty. I'm going to use it as a learning experience to see what I am made of and to teach myself that giving in won't make me happy and I'll accomplish my goals faster if I don't give in.
What gave me this renewed motivation? At 22 pounds lost, I'm only five pounds away from my first major goal of losing 10% if my body weight! That's a huuuuge win for me as when I first started, 27 pounds seemed soooo unattainable. IT'S NOT EVEN FEBRUARY!!! I know I can do it. Too many people know, too many people are holding me accountable. That's the major difference. Oh, and I'm going start hiking with Dan from work, my gay work boyfriend. I'm stoked because I've ALWAYS seen myself hiking as I got older and that's one of the weekend things I see myself doing with my husband and kids. YAY! My fiture is finally beginning.

Big Fat Faker

Today I feel like a big fat faker. Like a loser. Like someone who seen the light and rejected it only to wallow around in a pool of my own vomit. Today was a bad day. I'm pissed off for a couple of reasons, none will I mention here. But instead of waiting it out, praying about it or just letting it go, I returned to my old patterns.
After work today, I was frustrated and I headed for McDonalds. It was like it wasn't even me driving, but the primal urge to shove my frustration down into my belly with a Quarter Pounder (no cheese... I thought I was doing OK...). That was the wrong choice. The juicy burger and familiar mixture of onions, ketchup and pickles was more than I could bear and I was in a place of supreme happiness, in the clouds like a heroin junkie who just received their latest "fix."
That was all it took for a landslide of rollercoaster as I ascended to the top of the hill, all was OK. Then there was the downslide. I wanted more, wanted to feel the comfort of masticated bliss sliding towards my insides. I wanted another high. So I went to Jack in the Box and got some mozzarella sticks.... with ranch. Oh the sweet stringy cheese as I pulled the remainder of the stick from my mouth after the first heavenly bite. I reveled in it's elasticity and could think of nothing but the processed and breaded goodness swaggering it's saltiness over every last taste bud. My eyes glazed over for the ingestion of the rest of the snack. I wasn't in my body, I was on a cloud, high above the heavens, glowing with the light of a thousand suns. Once the last of the breaded angels were gone, I began to tumble down yet another alley of guilt. As horrible as I felt, I wanted to numb the pain. Numb it with chocolate. After all, I've already fucked up my day, right? Might as well get it all out at once, right? Bad idea.
I pondered which dealer should supply my next fix. McDonald's? Wendy's? Chevron for Hostess cupcakes? Then I saw it. The shine from the Grimm Reapers sheath in the window of Burger King and I was stuck in the beam of the Hershey Sundae Pie. Under no control of my own, I pulled into the drive thru and spotted a new kind of crack, a Butterfinger pie. Oh lord. Which one? I found myself ordering both of them. Who does that? I couldn't even make it home before tearing into the Butterfingery goodness. All the while, I was disgusted at this brazen display of gluttony. I waited until I got home before the consumption of the original sin. I hid in my garage, my privacy guarded like a bathroom stall as I savored the deliciousness of cream and chocolate. I allowed my eyes to roll back in my head as if I'd never had anything so good in my life. Then it was over and my pride was as empty as the containers, now just a symbol of my lack of self control.
Now I'm left with a ball in the pit of my stomach, equal parts crap and guilt. I'm going to the gym tonight in an attempt to work some of it off. I hope that this will be a memory that serves be better the next time I want to eat my stress instead of dealing with it.

Tired today

So, I did go to the gym and do fifteen minutes on the treadmill this morning. Not a whole lot, but any bit helps and it helped keep me in the routine. I did feel better after I was done and I did feel like fifteen minutes wasn't long enough, but I was on a bit of a time crunch because I needed to meet Kendelle to go out to Tuscon. Her mom was throwing a baby shower for her and she didn't want to go out there by herself so I got to tag along.
I had to view this shower as a real-life challenge as I don't live in a bubble and life will be full of baby showers and wedding showers and stuff. So, I didn't do as well as I'd hoped, but I did a lot better than I would have in the past. I had a cupcake, but I started at the bottom and didn't eat all the frosting and I had one small (very small) piece of cake (I actually cut a third off of a piece and had that). I didn't completely avoid them (like I probably should have) but normally I would have eaten two cupcakes and a regular size piece of cake and taken home the candy that was the prize in the game (I won a full size snickers and a baby ruth) and a couple of the cookie take-home bags.
I realize this is a marathon and not a sprint and there will be pitfalls and better days and worse days, but I just have to keep on truckin' and remember that it will all be worth it in the end, when I'm hiking or when I'm shopping or when I'm getting married or whatever.
I heard this phrase today and I'm thinking of adopting it as sort of a mantra. :"Good health is the foundation for all other good things" I want good things for my life so good health is essential. Part of that is sleep. It's time to make that happen.

DAH!

Today is not a good day. I'm getting ready to go the the gym to hit a little bit of cardio before getting ready to go to tuscon. I don't want to. I want to crawl back into bed and sleep all day. My muscles are tired, I'm tired and yesterday I had two bites of a cookie. It wasn't that good and it wasn't worth the calories. I ate a morningstar farms chicken patty at midnight. I feel bloated. Too much sodium. I hope working out takes the BLAH feeling away today. I wonder if there's a correlation between the cookie and the patty to how I feel right now. I'll let you know.

Those annoying pants

Everyone has that annoying pair of pants. The one they want to wear, the one they can barely squeeze into, the one they jump up and down and lay down on the bed and suck it in and create gadgets to shove in the zipper and try to get them together with as much impossibility of Romeo and Juliet being happy. They're annoying because they almost fit. They fit once and they may have been a bit snug, but they fit. Then they didn't. You try them periodically, "just to see." Well, today, I took a leap of faith and took them to change into after getting done at the gym. I was heading to church and didn't really want to be marinating during service in my yoga pants, so I brought everything to take a shower and change so I could head straight over. I had a brief moment of hesitation but as I folded the cloth over the metal button and brought together the star-crossed lovers, I smiled. This whole eating right and working out thing acutally works. I think I'll keep doing it.

well I never...

Thought I'd be able to do ten minutes on an elliptical. It's only been a week and a half! Who would have thought!? I'm on such a high, it's amazing. Even Diana went to work out with me and she got into it! Yaaay! Ok, off to sleep. That is all.

Week one of working out: CHECK!

It's been one week since my first meeting with Gabe and since my journey into the land of exercise. So far, I've survived, so that's a good sign! I'm absolutely amazed at the progress the human body can make in just a week. I'm already more flexible and I can tell the strength difference in my legs while I'm at work when I go to do squats to clean and stuff. I wake up and stretch and I've tried to do SOMEthing every day, whether it's just a little cardio on the treadmill (I can do 20 minutes! *big cheesy grin*) or doing some dips against the counters or calf raises at work. I haven't been to the point where I'm so sore that I can't move, and I credit that to a lot of stretching and for not taking too much time between workouts. Gabe said that the muscles are still conditioned (or something like that) for 72 hours so that's one of the reasons you don't have to work out the same muscles every day and it's good to mix it up.
I did get schooled by my roomie Diana in hip hop aerobics a couple days ago, so I definitely need to work on my coordination and it's definitely a great starting point and it'll be awesome to look back in a couple months and see how far I've come.
Ok, just a little check in. My internet has been acting up a little, so I haven't been able to check in the last couple days. This is Muffin Top, over and out.

The Journey to the Center of my Girth

Here's something called a "ticker" that is a visual of how far I've come on this journey to the center of my girth. This is just a catalog for the 90 pounds I plan to lose this year. At 225, I'm down 16 pounds from my highest weight of 271 at Thanksgiving this year. Not that it counts in this experiment, I just like to add the extra 9 pounds. *wink*


NEW YEAR'S 2008NEW YEAR'S 2009

changing the tape

We've all heard the phrase "to get something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done." I'm trying to reprogram myself to come to a place where making better choices is automatic. I'm getting there slowly, but it's not easy. It's usually the hardest when I'm stressed, pissed or tired. That's when I used to run to the comforting glow of the golden arches or could hear the taco bell ringing my name.


I have to remind myself that that is how I got myself into this mess in the first place. Food is my drug of choice and that is what I have used practically my whole life as celebration, my boyfriend, a time filler, my therapist, or as a plan for stress management. I never exercised because I never felt like I was doing it right the first time so I just gave up on it. Or, I'd do it once, feel accomplished and go drink a soda or have some fries on my next drive thru trip to celebrate or because "I'd burned it off already." I never MADE THE CHOICE to get iced tea or water or milk at a restaurant. I never MADE THE CHOICE to get a salad or the grilled fish or grilled chicken because I didn't want the people behind the counter to think I was on a diet because I JUST KNEW that's what they were thinking. Because it's all about me. Everyone is making a judgement every time they see me or see me put anything in my mouth, right? Wrong. Even if they are, who cares? They're not going to be the ones on dialysis after my kidneys quit out on me from the diabetes I'll get if I keep going this direction.


I began observing the people in my section at work and began to realize a pattern. More often than not, the fluffy patrons are not the ones ordering the grilled salmon with asparagus instead of the fries. The fluffy patrons are not the ones ordering water. The fluffy patrons are not the ones asking me to take the bread off the table. And yet, the not fluffy patrons seem more relaxed and just as happy as the others. It is my belief, based soley on my observations and my lifelong battle with my weight, that the not fluffy patrons are happy and more relaxed because they know they are making a good choice in the face of 200 unhealthy options and the fluffy patrons are happy because they are getting their fix. Do I think the not fluffy patrons want to be eating the grilled chicken and broccoli instead of the Madiera, covered in cheese and a wine sauce with butter and mashed potatoes? Not really. But I understand now why they do.


I'm happy when I got out to eat because it's what I love to do. I love having someone wait on me for a change, I love the conversation, I love the intimacy of becoming friends with someone and getting to know them better, I love seeing people around me interacting, I love the music, I love the ambiance, I love the different experiences you get at different places, I love it all. And yes, I love the food. The thing that will make the difference in this whole equation is what I CHOOSE to order. I still get the conversation, observation, music, ambiance and experience if I get grilled fish or a bacon cheeseburger with fries and ranch.


And a bonus I never expected: I still get to have a high almost every day, only this time it comes from knowing that I worked out and did something good for myself and from seeing the progress that I'm making. It comes from taking the stairs instead of the elevator and seeing how much easier it's becoming. It comes from my shaking leg as I'm sitting down because I know my body is burning calories and needs some place for the energy to be released. It comes from people asking me if my hair is lighter because it's not. My face is thinner and people can tell something is different, they just can't pinpoint it, so it must be my hair, right?

So, I'm changing the tape. After all, I can't be listening to The Used if I have Elliott Yamin in the CD player, right? So, I'm kicking Elliott to the curb along with french fries, cheesecake, cheeseburgers, strawberry shortcake, chipotle pasta and spicy crispy chicken sandwiches. It's not to say I won't put him in for a brief ride every now and then when I REALLY need it. I'll just listen to one song and switch it back and make the RIGHT choices.

I have a cute collar bone--when I was 11!

Ok, so why are you reading this, you are asking yourself...why am I doing this blog with my buddy who lives 4 states away, who I haven't seen in 5 years, who also needs to loose some lbs because, quite honestly its a lot of work staying this fluffy and keeping up this girth! It's no fun anymore and we have decided to be eachothers support, give eachother good advice and hopefully get some laughs along the way! Ms Muffintop and I hope to share some things with you and maybe, just maybe be an inspiration to others with the same feelings and frusterations...

In the world of weightloss, there are tons of self help books, cooks, live your best life, have the best booty, blah blah blah...When there are so many gyms, programs, pills and hypnosis gurus out there helping us to loose weight why in the sweet name of my moms lovely apple pie am I still fat? Well, maybe the apple pie I just mentioned!! (PS: Have you tried her apple pie, oh my! Look her up, sweet talk her and ask nicely to have her make you one and you will understand, oh yes, you will understand...) Ok, back to weightloss--I'm just not as brave as my partner in crime here and let you know my weight, maybe later. But I have 150 lbs to lose and I want to lose it for the last time. I have tried a lot of diet programs, yeah, I have lost weight on them, but I never keep it off! I have a laundry list of health issues that I need to control. On top of the daily issues with my weight I have back problems, mood swings, acne, I'm tired all the time. Most importantly, I have Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and insulin resistance. A lot of women suffer from these two conditions and don't even know it. Insulin resistance runs really similar to diabetes, but its not quite the real deal. Some of the symptoms include irregular periods, or none at all, issues with pregnancy, hormone issues, as well as a laundry list of issues including facial hair, blood sugar, loss of hair, and the one symptom I love the most--its really easy to gain weight and really hard to lose it! So, everytime I lose weight, I have to lose twice as hard as before.

My mom is a real inspiration, she has lost over 60 lbs and losing more and more every week. She woke up one day in April last year and decided today is the day to change. She isn't dieting at all, in fact, she eats whatever she wants, whenever she wants but she is controlling her portions. She decided to make these few simple changes and the lbs started melting away. She added excersize to her life and she still saw the pounds coming off, its like a switch went off in her head! I want to do the same thing. I don't want to count calories or obsess over each lame pound I have to lose. I'm going to make just a few changes and work up to excersizing. I currently have pneumonia and just making this decision is the first step, and right now that is all I'm going to do. As I start feeling better and recovered I'm going to start make some of these positive changes to feeling and looking better. Till next time, live your life and stop counting those chins, embrace them and accept them...they have feelings too! xoxo

Now THIS is getting high

No, this isn't a blog about drugs, it's about the workout I just had. Granted, I'm taking it slow so I don't hurt myself and end up with a reason not to work out, but I just did 15 minutes on the treadmill and while it may be "small patatas" to most of you, it's a BIG win for me. Especially because I wasn't taking a lazy stroll the whole time. I actually got to huffin' it! And weird, because the faster I went, the faster time went. I don't even remember minute 7-14 and I was ready to quit after 6! It's probably because I really got into the song I was listening to and as I was punching my arms, I pictured a face in front of it. What? Free therapy? HAHAHA I'm loving the way I feel right now. I'm going to work out with Gabe tomorrow again and I'm pumped!

Oh, that's right, I haven't mentioned Gabe yet. No, he's not my boyfriend, lover, brother, uncle, boss, coworker or grocery bagger, he's my "trainer." I put "trainer" in "quotations" because I'm taking a class at the rec center, not paying a full time personal trainer a gagillion dollars. He is trained to do it, but because he's in a wheelchair I guess he can't be certified in it or something? I don't know, I'm just speculating here. I don't even care that he's in a wheelchair. After all, I'm the one doing the workouts, not him. He's just supervising. Anyway, we met for the first time with the other lady from the class (Judy? Janet? something with a J....) and went through all the circuit equipment and tomorrow we're going to go through a workout while he makes sure we're doing everything correctly and stuff. I want him to show me how to do some of the freeweights because that's what we have the most of in the gym at my complex and if i'm ever away from a "gym" I can still do freeweights at home. And we're going to learn stuff on the ball too. I'm glad to have someone I can go to to answer any of my questions. I want to do things right this time and I want to learn as much as I can so I can help those around me who want it also. Fluffy girls travel in packs and I want them to find as much joy in life as I have found recently!

I know my bones are in here somewhere...

I'm Mandi. Fatty #1. It's January 6, 2009 and I currently weigh 258 pounds. At the beginning of this year I weighed 262 and that is where my journey began. I have commited to myself that this year I will lose 90 pounds. 90 in '09. I've made attempts at losing weight before, but it was always for the wrong reasons. This year, it's for me. I'm the only one who is going to live my life. This time, I'm doing it right and taking everything I've learned in all of my failed attempts and turning it into something positive. I started taking a class at the rec center with a trainer so I can learn the CORRECT ways of doing the exercises. It's also helping me get into a routine of working out on a schedule so I can begin making it a habit. I've replaced unhealthy foods I like with healthier versions so I don't feel deprived. I LOVE chocolate, so I'm having a chocolate protein shake for breakfast blended with some blackberries or banana so I don't go crazy and eat a whole bag of Oreo's.

I've always struggled with my weight and I use humor to diffuse uncomfortable situations, so I refer to myself, "Just like a Cadillac, built for comfort, not for speed." Or "I'm not fat, I'm fluffy. I'm in shape, I'm round. Round is a shape. What do you like to do with fluffy things? You like to cuddle with them, you like to pet them, they keep you warm..." But right now, the only thing being kept warm is my cankles.

One day, the life I envision for the future will match the life I'm living in the present. It'll happen, just one step at a time.

You Say Potato, I Say "With Butter"

It's no wonder I got myself in this situation in the first place, right?

This is a blog written by two girls. We met our freshman year in high school in Southern California. One of us moved to Oregon during her junior year in high school and has lived there ever since and the other has moved around a lot in the last few years. One of us is married and the other is single and loving it. One of us has a daughter and the other has a dog. One of us works in healthcare insurance and the other works in a restaurant. With all of our differences, we have one thing in common: weight. We both have too much. We would both rather drink Mt. Dew and watch movies all day than work out. We'd both rather eat Ben & Jerry's out of the carton than snack on a carrot stick. And we're both sick of it. And you get to read ALL about it. Lucky, lucky you.