A day like Alexander's

Do you remember the book "Alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day?" Well I do. And I lived it yesterday. Well, at least in the second half of the day. I never truly understood what a vital role protein and fiber in the morning play in your satiety levels through the rest of the day. I woke up late yesterday and didn't have time to grab anything for breakfast. I had a bowl of Cheerios at work around nine or so, but that was four hours after I had woken up. I grabbed a Farmhouse grilled chicken salad from Arby's on the way home and picked out most of the bacon. The salad had onions on it and I had a bite or two and was in my roommate room resetting her computer and she HATES onions, so I grabbed a Skinny Cow dipped bar to try to get compensate for the scent of onions until I could finish my salad a few minutes later. I wonder if that woke up my sugar sense or something because by the time I got home from taking my roommate to the airport, I was craving chocolate and real sugar, and bad! I have some of those "no pudge brownies" that you mix with yogurt and put in the microwave for a single serving. That wouldn't have been so bad, had I not put chocolate frosting on top of it. And eaten chocolate frosting out of the can while the brownie was heating. And after I had already had the brownie. And while I was waiting for a second brownie to cook. And after I had eaten that one. Total, I probably had three or four tablespoons of frosting... gross.
Then I went to work and didn't have anything there, but on the way home I passed by Taco Bell and this is where the shameful feelings I've had so far today have surfaced. They have these new enchilada platters and I've wanted to try them since I saw them. I wasn't even hungry as I pulled into the drive thru. I heard myself order and I wasn't going to get anything to drink. Then I ordered a small fruit punch. Then I saw it was only a dollar more for the combo that came with a large drink and a small drink was $1.09, so it made more "financial sense" to get the large. I had planned to only eat half and put the rest in the fridge for later... because if history says anything, I'll forget about it and won't end up eating the leftovers. Yeah, and I should have listened to my own history to realize that I don't eat half. If I made a habit of eating half, I'd be half my size and that obviously isn't the case otherwise I wouldn't be blogging about this right now. So, I had the whole platter. And the whole large sugar filled "fruit" punch (which should be named sugar-filled crack in a cup made to taste somewhat like a combination of fruits.)
I think what is digging away at me more than the fact that I gave into temptation... yet again... is the fact that for the first time this morning, I woke up with that voice in my head. The one that says there's no way I can do this. The one who says I don't deserve this. The one who says I was stupid to even think I could try. And here I am, blogging about how disappointed I am in myself instead of working off what I did at the gym.
I know tomorrow is another day and I should hush those voices because I can do this and I will make it happen, but for now I'm having a little pity party... while enjoying my slim fast shake with berries blended in. Happy Valentines to me I guess.

Biggest Loser Week 1

So, as of Monday I lost 7lbs! Which calculated to be 2% of my body weight, which also meant I was the biggest loser for the first week! I won $16 and I quickly stashed it away to save up for some better work out shoes. I've spent too much time in mine, using them for the occasional "casual friday" look and not enough on the elliptical. I'm thinking about getting some new balance shoes because I heard those are the best for working out. What are your thoughts? What do you wear? I'm hoping to win week 2 but I feel my competition is pissed that I won. I keep getting congratulations emails, however I see they are saying, "Too bad I'm going to win next week.." I have a lot of work ahead of me if I want to stay the biggest loser. I'm going to just do the best I can and see what happens. I'm still following my mom's theory. I can eat whatever I want, in moderation and if I choose to. I had a slice of that pie, but you know, it was almost disappointing. It was a little too sweet and too much. (WIERD) But come to think of it, I have only had diet sprite in the last 12 days (no dr pepper, remember that!!) and not a lot of refined sugar. Not unless the sugar is naturally in the item, like apples, oranges, etc. I have been working out everyday and pushing myself a little more. Yesterday, I did about 25 mins on the elliptical and I stopped when my body said, "Enough already!!" Because even though I'm feeling better, I cannot shake this icky feeling I get at night somewhere before dinner and going to bed, I feel like my chest is hurting again, I start losing my voice and throat hurts...ugh. So, I don't want to over do it if I'm still trying to heal my body. Anyways--I'm at work and its 7am..Until next time! tooodalooooo!

Am I supposed to pee this much?

Good lord. It's like the floodgates have opened! It's a good thing, but damn! I remember once hearing these people ask one of the smartest guys in the world all these questions. One of them was, "When you lose weight, where does it go?" and I figured his answer would be the poop chute, but I was wrong. He said that fat molecules are H2O2, so they're a water molecule and an oxygen molecule adhered together, so when you start losing weight, you breathe it out and you pee it out. Granted, when you're eating more fiber and stuff you'll get the excess crap out of your body(no pun intended) and water will go with that, but apparently that is the reason for my marathon restroom sessions. Not that you're exactly interested (and if slightly disgusted, I apologize,) but one of the reasons for the site is to get out all my questions and frustrations and stuff. I just can't remember a time that on such a regular basis, I felt like the main character in an Adam Sandler CD sketch. That is all. I hope this means the number on the scale went down along with my inches. I was still at the same weight a couple of days ago, but I've been working out pretty hard, so I'm hoping that means I've built up some muscle.... Whatever. Last Chance Workout, here I come!

The chick in the tae bo videos is kinda scary...

Today is Saturday and I woke up feeling energized and rested for the first time in months! Not to mention, Daisy let me sleep in until 9am!  I probably haven't felt that since before I had pneumonia and that felt like a long time ago.  I slept good and today is the first day that my lungs aren't achy and gross.  (It's a wierd thing to say, describing how your lungs actually FEEL..)  I decided to take advantage of my comcast on demand Fitness channel and excersize this morning before I did anything else.  I didn't know what I could do because I'm so out of shape and I don't know how to do pilates, I don't know what or where my core is...so I decided on one that I have done in the past.  Tae Bo...yes, the fabled Billy Blanks is still at it perfecting his chi and strengthening his core (there's that dang core thing again!!  I'm thinking of an apple core here...) I was pleased to see that his clothes aren't as tight as they used to be and he actually had a loose fitting t shirt on, not the spandex tank top that half way thru the work out his left nip always popped out of his tank! I swear it did and it was gross and it always used to bug me!! Anyways--back to the current work out, I even noticed he wasn't as buff as he used to be...He was explaining somewhere during the leg lunges and the (double time!!) punches that he was doing it all wrong a few years ago, and he is working out differently.   Whatev.  So, I'm doing my best to keep up with him and his crew and I see that to his left there is this chick screaming and yelling , "HUH" and "YES SIR" after he finishes a sentence...It got a little annoying and she was kind of scary.  I guess I wasn't as into it as she was...So, 25 mins later I cooling down with Billy (no nip this time, mind you!!) and I too felt a sense of accomplishment.  I felt like I did it again!  I chose to do the right decision and make a better life for myself.  I then downed a ton of water and had a healthy breakfast.  I'm feeling better about myself eventhough I cannot see the difference yet, I feel it on the inside. Maybe that is what my core is...I still don't know.  I got ready for the day, had a good hair and make up day too!  The sun is shining and I'm feeling good.  

I then went to my mom's house and made 4 of the most wonderful, delicious, amazing, almost sinful you think you are cheating on your husband apple pies..  They have this awesome crumbly topping with butter, flour, brown sugar and oatmeal...oh and pecans and caramel sauce that you dribble on the top..need I say more?  It's my hubby's birthday and we are going to have 14 people over in our little duplex to celebrate him  (and these pies!) so we should have fun.  I feel like I have enough strength to say that I can have a small slice of pie if I want to.  I don't have to have a huge slice and I don't think I have to watch everyone else moan and enjoy the pie and I am stuck in this diet bubble...I will do good and I am looking forward to enjoying every second, every tongue tickling morsel of my lil' piece of pie tonight...in moderation...of course!

A sense of accomplishment

Life is really good right now. I've hit my first goal of losing 10% of my body weight (27 pounds so I'm currently at 245), I'm working out on a regular basis and just learning to take care of myself. I consider myself a nurturer by nature (say that ten times fast!) and I'm worried about the well being of others, but have never taken the time to put myself and my health first. I finally realized that I'll be of no use to anyone else if I'm no good to me.
As you've read, that has had a big impact on my life and my decision making this year. I'm making much better choices and I'm finally beginning to see the benefits of those choices. It's not only in the number on the scale, it's also in the sense of accomplishment I feel when I can bend down at work and be able to get back up. It pops up when I look in my closet for something to wear and I see THOSE jeans. The ones that I bought expecting them to fit and when I got them, they fit, but more like a wetsuit than something to relax in. The ones that now slide easily over my hips and thighs and are almost a little baggy and give me room to breathe.
I feel like I'm able to climb a mountain.. oh WAIT! I DID!! My friend Dan and I went hiking last week and although I wasn't able to climb the whole mountain, I refuse to feel bad about it because we got about a third of the way up and it's an intermediate/expert climb. Um, hello? Can anyone say beginner??? I tried to upload a couple of pictures, but then my computer crashed, so I won't try again...
Today I took a self defense course and it kind of kicked my butt (no pun intended), but it felt great! I'm glad I've been working out because it helped with some of the strength required for some of the moves, but you also use a lot of different muscles that you don't normally use, so it was a nice workout also. It actually made me a little interested in taking a longer self defense course or a martial arts course because it's a great skill to have in case I ever need it and it's a great workout. WEIRD! I'm talking about great workouts! And hiking! AND I LOVE IT! I love this person I'm becoming. I'm happy I'm getting out of the routine of being lazy and eating crap and putting nothing but chemicals into my body.
Interstingly enough, I feel more focused and like all the energy I have is harnessed in a healthier direction so I'm not as all over the place with my adult ADD (I've been diagnosed by a professional, I'm not using it as a cop out at all. It's not something I'm proud of but it's something I'm learning to live with and use to my advantage.)
Being proud of my self is a new feeling for me. I was proud of myself when I did well in school. I was proud of myself when I lost all the weight before I had my gallbladder surgery. I've been proud of myself that I've been able to successfully support myself without NEEDING a man. But this is totally different. This is me making great choices for ME so I'll have a better future. So I'll attract a higher caliber partner because I'll be at a higher caliber myself. Not right away, but one small step at a time.

Good bye Dr pepper! I will miss you! I'm always close by!!

Today is day for on my non-diet and I am feeling so much better. I'm still recovering from pneumonia and my whole family is being treated for whooping cough, beside all that, I'm feeling good. I've been getting headaches every now and then but I think that is from my body de-toxing from caffeine and sugar. I love love LOVE regular Dr. Pepper. I used to have one daily and usually had more once I got home too. It's amazing how much crap is in soda, but I still love it. I don't care who invented diet dr pepper and I don't know what kind of drug they were taking when they claim it tastes just like the regualar stuff. That is a bunch of crap! It doesn't taste at ALL like regular. If they created a Dr Pepper with splenda I'm sure I would like that...So, I'm an all or nothing girl. If I cannot have regular Dr Pepper then I will just have to say goodbye to it, for now...my love...be strong! Wait for me!!!

I excersized for the first time last night in months and after all the hacking and coughing, I'm actually glad I excersized. My lungs were burning and my legs were all wobbly, but I'm proud of myself for starting. I have a full sized gym available to me at my work and I signed up this week, so after work tonight I'm going to work out a little bit. I'm starting slow so I can work my way up to kicking ass and taking names...I may see if I can get a membership at the local YMCA so we as a family can work out together.

I'm not going to count calories or obsess or watch everything I'm going to eat. I am focusing on my portions and adding some fruits and veggies to my diet. Just being more conscience of what I'm eating. I had 1/2 c of light cookie dough ice cream and I don't feel guilty about it! I'm allowing myself to have whatever I want, just in moderation...control...and if I have a bad day, its only a day and I can start over the next. Weekdays are good for me because I can control myself at work. But I'm a little nervous on the weekends, when I'm home...with my fridge and pantry. But I'm going to keep busy, I want to work out in the morning with my daughter Daisy and not focus on what I cannot have, I think that is the key.

So we are doing a biggest loser competition at work in my dept. We have 18 people and we all put in $20 each. We went into the copy room, (yes, the copy room) and all were weighed. Every monday we get re-weighed and the person who loses the most % of their body weight (nobody knows the pounds except for the money/record keeper) wins $18! So, you can win $18 per week and at the 10th week you can win the rest of the money too, being (wait for it!!) dunnn dunnn dunnnn! The biggest loser! I'm hoping to win some weeks, and of course, hopefully the biggest loser. Either way, I started my weight loss and I'm not giong to stop until I reach my goal. I need to lose 150 lbs. I will write on Monday after the big weigh--in and let you know how I'm doing!

New ticker... lost my PIN

So, I'm retarded and I don't remember the password to my old ticker, so here's a fun bright one for summer! I FINALLY BROKE 250 for the first time in at LEAST 3 or 4 years. Bring it on SUMMER!

Biggest Loser--my way

So, we have decided at my work to do a biggest loser contest. Basically, we are putting in $20 per person for 10 weeks. Every week we weigh ourselves and someone figures our % body weight/fat lost. The winner of the week gets a little bit of $$ and after 10 weeks the biggest loser gets the rest of the money! I need a push, I need a motivation and this has got to be it! I'm starting today, so we will see how it goes! I'm going into the copy room right now here at work to see the real numbers and face the truth how much I really do weigh and how much my % body fat is (ouch, such harsh words!!) and accept it and move on! I don't want to see this weight again!