changing the tape

We've all heard the phrase "to get something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done." I'm trying to reprogram myself to come to a place where making better choices is automatic. I'm getting there slowly, but it's not easy. It's usually the hardest when I'm stressed, pissed or tired. That's when I used to run to the comforting glow of the golden arches or could hear the taco bell ringing my name.


I have to remind myself that that is how I got myself into this mess in the first place. Food is my drug of choice and that is what I have used practically my whole life as celebration, my boyfriend, a time filler, my therapist, or as a plan for stress management. I never exercised because I never felt like I was doing it right the first time so I just gave up on it. Or, I'd do it once, feel accomplished and go drink a soda or have some fries on my next drive thru trip to celebrate or because "I'd burned it off already." I never MADE THE CHOICE to get iced tea or water or milk at a restaurant. I never MADE THE CHOICE to get a salad or the grilled fish or grilled chicken because I didn't want the people behind the counter to think I was on a diet because I JUST KNEW that's what they were thinking. Because it's all about me. Everyone is making a judgement every time they see me or see me put anything in my mouth, right? Wrong. Even if they are, who cares? They're not going to be the ones on dialysis after my kidneys quit out on me from the diabetes I'll get if I keep going this direction.


I began observing the people in my section at work and began to realize a pattern. More often than not, the fluffy patrons are not the ones ordering the grilled salmon with asparagus instead of the fries. The fluffy patrons are not the ones ordering water. The fluffy patrons are not the ones asking me to take the bread off the table. And yet, the not fluffy patrons seem more relaxed and just as happy as the others. It is my belief, based soley on my observations and my lifelong battle with my weight, that the not fluffy patrons are happy and more relaxed because they know they are making a good choice in the face of 200 unhealthy options and the fluffy patrons are happy because they are getting their fix. Do I think the not fluffy patrons want to be eating the grilled chicken and broccoli instead of the Madiera, covered in cheese and a wine sauce with butter and mashed potatoes? Not really. But I understand now why they do.


I'm happy when I got out to eat because it's what I love to do. I love having someone wait on me for a change, I love the conversation, I love the intimacy of becoming friends with someone and getting to know them better, I love seeing people around me interacting, I love the music, I love the ambiance, I love the different experiences you get at different places, I love it all. And yes, I love the food. The thing that will make the difference in this whole equation is what I CHOOSE to order. I still get the conversation, observation, music, ambiance and experience if I get grilled fish or a bacon cheeseburger with fries and ranch.


And a bonus I never expected: I still get to have a high almost every day, only this time it comes from knowing that I worked out and did something good for myself and from seeing the progress that I'm making. It comes from taking the stairs instead of the elevator and seeing how much easier it's becoming. It comes from my shaking leg as I'm sitting down because I know my body is burning calories and needs some place for the energy to be released. It comes from people asking me if my hair is lighter because it's not. My face is thinner and people can tell something is different, they just can't pinpoint it, so it must be my hair, right?

So, I'm changing the tape. After all, I can't be listening to The Used if I have Elliott Yamin in the CD player, right? So, I'm kicking Elliott to the curb along with french fries, cheesecake, cheeseburgers, strawberry shortcake, chipotle pasta and spicy crispy chicken sandwiches. It's not to say I won't put him in for a brief ride every now and then when I REALLY need it. I'll just listen to one song and switch it back and make the RIGHT choices.