I totally suck

I'm completely undisciplined in every sense of the word. I don't blog because I'm ashamed at my progress. Because there isn't any progress. I'm getting winded going up stairs again. I'm petrified that I'll get back to where I was before. I'm still at 148, so praise Jesus at that, but I can tell it's fat pounds instead of muscle pounds. The first plateau I hit, I've skated it for the last month.
I remember the day of my downfall. It all began with the phrase "Just one won't hurt." I was at a BBQ and my friend asked if I wanted a bud lite. Now, I normally don't drink bud light because I'm not a Bud fan. I'm more of a Miller girl (well, Stella Artois or Wyder's Raspberry Cider, really, but Miller if I'm going light... but I digress...) I hadn't had alcohol in a couple of months and I was doing SOOOO well on the plan. I was working out regularly and it was good. I'd hit a small plateau and said, "You know what, just one won't hurt." So I had one Bud Lite. Then one captain and coke. Then one Stoli Vanil and Sprite. Then one chicken wing. Then five. Then one cheese it, then twenty. Then one chocolatey marshmallowy graham crackery S'more deliciousness. Then another. My friend Jeremiah made it for me and "I don't want to be rude," right?
Well, it's been just one month and I feel completely out of control. I'm on the Zoloft now, so I feel a little more like me and it's an antidepressant, so I'm not depressed about my weight (a bonus), I am disappointed in the choices I've made. My pulse is up a little and I'm sure my blood pressure is too. When I went to the doctor when I had a bad sore throat, my bp was 108/65 and when I went see him about the zoloft, it was back up to 122/74, which is still "safe," but lower is always better. I can feel a twinge of pain in my left thigh and my hyperchodriac brain goes to "oh no, it's a blood clot!" or "my vericose veins are going to explode!" I've noticed my pants getting just a tad bit tighter and my belly feels bigger. And I see it in my face, which kills me the most.
I'm so encouraged by you guys and your gumption to stick to the plan and to make the right decisions. Yesterday, I made some better choices by going to the farmer's market and getting some fresh produce and yogurt to get back to making smoothies. Tonight I made a wrap with a low calorie pita wrap, some hummus, chicken, corn, red peppers, zucchini and avocado. It was awesome. I like healthy food. I like the way it makes me feel. I like the way it makes me look.
I hate the siren's song of sugar. Ice cream is the devil. But a day without chocolate is a day unlived.
I've done it. I've been doing it. Little changes. Lifestyle changes. I'll continue to be honest with you because you're my friends. And honestly, I'm struggling. Everything else in my life is going well except this, and this is huge. And so is my ass. Change one and I'll change the other.

P.S.

Welcome Shawn to the blog! I am glad to get to know you and look forward to reading more of your experiences. Good luck this week!

Hey, I have a collarbone!

First of all, I need to apologize..I am so sorry that I haven't blogged since early February! How rude is that?!? I am happy to say that in between my blog entries I have been texting and keeping in touch with one of my fellow buddies helping eachother and trying to keep motivated.

I had a really tough month in March. We had to put our sweet dog down and it was so traumatic! I never thought I would go (in one word) "ape-shit" when he passed away. But I did. My whole family was so hurt and torn and it was so sudden we couldn't believe he was gone. So, I broke out the tortilla chips and salsa and drowned my sorrows with cilantro, onions and tomato goodness. Hazzzah! Odie (our dog) would have wanted it like that...he loved those tortilla chips! Even though I was eating my sorrows, I continued to lose weight in my company biggest loser competition...wierd.

Then our daughter was scheduled to have her tonsils out on the 23rd. On the 20th I woke up to a high fever, nasty cough and chills. Needless to say, I had pneumonia and my daughter was getting wheeled into surgery. I hardly ate that week because I was so sick. We just laid in bed and she stayed hopped up on codeine and I laid next to her coughing. FUN.

I weighed in today (week 9 of our 10 week program) and I have lost 31 lbs and 8.88% of my total body weight. I am trying to work out again and get my lungs moving. I have a friend who is a personal trainer and they are offering to help me at my gym at work to make sure I am making the most of my workouts. Next week is our final weigh in and I will see if I have had the highest weight loss % and then I win $140!!

Now that we are on the mend, I do plan on blogging my progress and my struggles more regularly. Till then....

Impatient

So I've been lifting consistently for a week or so. My adjustable dumbbells go from 5-45 lbs. They won't get me uber-buff, but I stand to get pretty cut if I keep it up. In my experience, being cut and rigid can get a look of lust or desire from the girls, which I used to value, but now I just want it to feel better about me. I know that I'm not supposed to be tubby. I never had an inch of fat on me until about 10 years ago. I also have a Total Gym, but it's in the garage because there is a twin bed set up in my former workout area of my family room. It won't be until the middle of June that the bed and gym swap places. I do however, have the elliptical set up, and I haven't been using that because I need a dry lube to stop it from squeaking. If I were more serious about it, I'd have taken care of that by now. A big part of me knows that once I do lube it, I'll either have to use it, or be a schmuck. So as long as I don't lube it up, I'm golden. I want to get cut though, so I'm not experiencing any problems with consistency lifting. Of course, I don't want to be cut up top, and tubby in the middle, that's just lame. Additionally, I'm considering going back on South Beach again, because I lost about 18 lbs. in 10 weeks last time. If I were doing the South Beach AND working out, I would be in new territory. I've heard a bunch of naysayers slamming South Beach, but I liked it, never felt weak or unhealthy, and got great results from it before. So those people can choke on it. I went to Costco yesterday and bought about $300 worth of non-South Beach food, so it'll have to wait for now. Until next time . . .

I'm ready

Hi. I'll be contributing to this site over the remainder of the year. I hope. Isn't that how it always is with us though? A hope? Allow me to clarify. I plan to do more than hope this time around. Arrgh! Again, all too common amongst our type, to plan, to wish, to DESIRE. Okay, how about this? I have already invested in some adjustable dumbbells ($300) and have dusted off my elliptical. There, that seems more towards doing than just looking in the mirror and pouting. Anyway, my goals are to lose the 30 or 40 extra pounds of fat I've pasted on my midsection and face over the last 10 years or so, and to not wheeze when I look at a small incline. I'm pretty rigid in some areas of my life, and not so much so in others. This area has plauged me for years as "others not so rigid in". That's over. I started lifting last week, consistently, even. Of course, consistincy within a week has been done all over the world, I dare say, COUNTLESS times. So here we go. I'm looking to trim up and tone up. I want the days back where hotties would look at me and smile. Not that kind of smile that you give someone in a wheelchair either. No, the good smile. More importantly, I want to look in the mirror and have that same kind of smile shine back at me. If I don't lose any weight, and turn it to muscle, that's fine. 240 and beefy works for me. 240 and a belly that hides my pecs is so tired though. I'll be updating both success and failures as the year goes on. Till next time, Hackfest.

new worries

So, I haven't been doing the greatest on my quest. The last month has been very bad and I haven't really been caring or paying attention to what's been going on. I've been very stressed and been doing some emotional eating and I think I've worked out like three or four times. Fortunately, I haven't gained a whole bunch and I think working out has been a big factor in that. The last time I went to the doctor, I was 270 and now I'm at 248, so there's still some progress in there. Part of the reason I haven't been doing well is because I've really been struggling with some stress, anxiety and a bit of depression. I've been stuttering more and just felt like I've been spiraling out of control. Today I went to the doctor to talk about some of the issues I've been going through and he's prescribed me Zoloft. He did say that one of the side effects can be weight gain, which is exactly what I don't want! I'm hoping that this side effect won't be one of the ones that effect me. I'm hoping that this will make me feel more like myself and hopefully feeling more like myself will allow me to get back to working out and eating right which will make me feel better too, so I'm hoping this will be a great beginning of me getting back to normal. I'll keep you posted.

Introducing......

Shawn. Shawn and I met when I lived in Washington state. He is married to a beautiful and very sweet girl name Jaimi and they have an adorable baby boy named Elijah (Eli) Emmett. Shawn has a way with words and will be a glorious addition to the fluffytofabulous team!! I'm looking forward to being inspired and motivated by his challenges and no-excuses attitude. Yay Shawn!